It was really fun for a while. For the most part I met nice, interesting guys, who showed me what was possible. Then all of a sudden, like overnight, I became frustrated and cranky. Not that I didn’t have the kind of encounters that made great stories over drinks with friends. I mean there was the one guy who was so eager in his kissing I felt I had to protect myself from the lizard tongue. Then there was the guy who put me in a death grip when he kissed me which had a total rape-y vibe. Oh and to top it off, there was the guy who I had amazing chemistry with and just as we started having great sex, he decided to get into a relationship with someone else.
I don’t know if it was the sum of all of these small incidents or just being burned out from dating, but it happened … I hit the “wall”! I could not even stomach the idea of one more date, one more message from a guy online, or one more bad kissing experience! I was DONE. Yes, ALL CAPS kinda done. The worst part was the few people I was actually interested in I was getting so obsessed about. Living in fantasyland big time: having dreams, thinking about them incessantly, basically wanting them to just confess their undying love to me so that I can be done with this dating business once and for all. I felt possessed and it was not pretty.
Just like in a marathon, when the inevitable wall happens, you have to simply push through it. The wall is a figment of your imagination. It’s all mental. In your head you think you can’t go on anymore when your body is perfectly capable of running not just 3 or 4 more miles, but 10 miles. In a marathon, you have to play mind games in order to overcome the block and finish the race triumphantly. I knew I had hit the wall and needed outside assistance, STAT, so I started talking to my friends hoping they might shine some light on the situation and help me shift my perspective.
Two things happened that changed my course. First was when a good friend of mine called me out. Apparently what I wanted when it came to dating had changed, along the way yet what I was doing was still the same and most importantly, the energy I was putting out was super unclear. Okay, so I needed to reassess what I wanted and communicate that, instead of my previous want. Got it! I’m all about visioning, so having the opportunity to dream up my ideal relationship had me kind of excited.
The second thing not so exciting. The hardest part for me was the infamous “letting go”. So much easier said than done. The more I focused on letting go, the more anxious and consumed I became. Here’s the thing folks, just saying you are letting go is not enough. Who are we trying to fool anyway? We may be speaking the words, “I am fine, I don’t need a boyfriend,” or, “My life is great, when it happens it happens,” yet acting like a starving dog at the least bit of attention from the person we are interested in. (Confession: I am speaking from personal experience. Tough to admit, but it’s true.)
What did I do? I committed to take a short break from dating. I needed to recharge and give myself the mental and emotional space to figure out what I truly wanted for myself when it came to love and relationships. So on Friday the 13th I proceeded to write to the people who had messaged me online saying thanks but no thanks and then disabled my dating account. I also decided that if I started dating online again it would be on another site that caters more to people looking to be in a relationship (and not simply date). A fresh start when I was ready to put myself out there again. It felt good because not only did I say I was letting go, I actually was doing it. Took some necessary steps to detach and I noticed right away the change in my demeanor.
And of course, as soon as I pushed past the wall and was slowly working on gaining my stride, I got a second wind in the most unexpected way. Remember that handsome stranger on the motorcycle? Turns out he came across my number and decided to reach out. It gets even better. Guess what day he sent the message? Yup … Friday the 13th.
Photo by Boris Johnson
Natalie Vartanian is a certified Relationship Coach, motivational speaker, strategy consultant, giggler, lover of skinny branches and a gypsy! She travels around the globe inspiring people to dream big and take action toward their most fun and adventure-filled lives. She can be found here and Girls Gone Moto.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
glad to hear you pushed through it. the worst is when you are changing your expectations (output) but providing the same input. total girl move
but hitting the wall… sometimes it can be a good thing.
LOL. Yes SG … sometimes hitting the wall can be a very good thing. In many ways.